डेफिनिशन ऑफ़ अ गुड गर्ल

आज अचानक कुछ कारण से ऑफिस तक का सफ़र बस से करना पड़ा।  अब इसे सौभाग्य कहे या दुर्भाग्य पर आज  ये यात्रा कई चीज़ो पर से पर्दा उठा गयी। सुबह जब आपका काम अपने स्वाभाविक तरीके से न हो और समय अपनी गति से तेज़ चलने लगे तो वैसे भी दिमाग का दही होने लगता है। बस ऐसे ही कुछ मूड से जब आज घर निकली और बस में बैठी दो ठो आंटीज ने और चार चाँद लगा दिए। जाने किसकी बात करते हुए उनमे से एक बोली अरे नहीं मीता कि लड़की अच्छी नहीं है। मैंने सोचा अच्छी नहीं है मतलब क्या उसके सर पर सींगे निकली हुई हैं या उसके चार छ: हाथ पैर है ? कुछ समझ पाती तब तक दूसरी बोली हाँ सुना तो है दिन भर फोन पर बात करती रहती है और शादी भी तो नही हो रही उसकी 23 साल की , कुछ मामला होगा और क्या। पहले कि लड़किया होती थी एकदम संस्कारी आज तो पता नहीं कैसी हवा चल गयी है सब के हाव भाव ही बदल गये है। मेरा तो दिमाग गर्मी में और गरम हो गया। आखिर हमारे समाज के ये सो कॉल्ड लोगों को प्रोबलम क्या है? जितना कुछ आजतक मैंने जाना समझा है हमारे आसपास के लोग कुछ इस तरह परिभाषित करते है एक "अच्छी " लड़की को। एक अच्छी लड़की वो है जो बचपन से ही क्यूट और सिंपल हो। एक अच्छी लड़की वो है जो जब थोड़ी बड़ी हो तो खुद को समेट के सम्भाल के चले। एक अच्छी लड़की वो है जो भाई और बाप के अलावा किसी लड़के को देखे तक नहीं। एक अच्छी लड़की वो है जो स्कूल में सिर्फ किताबों में रहे।  जुडो हॉकी या कोई ऐसा खेल खेलने के बारे में सोचे भी नही जिसमे उसे जादा दौड़ भाग करनी पड़ी।  अव्वल तो ये खेल कूद लड़कियो के लिए नही है इसलिए वो खेल के क्या करेगी ? एक अच्छी लड़की वो है तमीज से सलवार सूट पहने और अगर जीन्स पहने तो उसपर कोई लम्बा सा कुर्ता पहने वरना लोग सोचेगे कैसे कपडे पहनती है।  और भगवान् ना करे कही किसी दिन जीन्स के साथ शर्ट पहननी पड़ गयी तो उसपर दुपट्टा पहन कर चलना पड़ता है।  वो बाल कटवाने से पहले अपने सब घर वालो से बिल पास कराती है और फिर अड़ोस पड़ोस कि किसी दीदी भाभी के साथ जाकर बाल कटवाने के नाम पर कुछेक इंच छटवा कर वापस आ जाती है।  एक अच्छी लड़की वो है जो मोहल्ले के लगभग सभी घरों में होने वाली पूजा पाठ या शादी में सारे भजन बन्ना बन्नी सोहर गाती हो और साथ में ढोलक भी बजा लेती हो वो भी 4 अलग अलग तालों पर। घर के ए टू जेड सब काम में निपुण हो अच्छी लड़की कभी ऊंची आवाज़ में बात ना करती हो। अच्छी लड़की अपनी शादी के बारे में कभी बात नहीं करती हो इसलिए अपनी पसंद कि तो बात ही नहीं बनती।  जब उसकी शादी कि बात चल रही हो तो परदे के पीछे कड़ी होकर शर्माती हो । फिर घर के किसी कोने में जाकर थोड़े आंसू बहाती हो ।  एक अच्छी लड़की वो है जो पढ़ाई लिखाई नौकरी सब अपने घरवालो की इच्छा से करे , उसने इतनी पढ़ाई की  हो जितनी से वो अपने हक़ के लिए आवाज़ न उठा पाए। अगर किसी दिन वो घर के बहार लाल लिपस्टिक लगा के निकल जाए तो घर वापस आकर उसकी क्लास लगनी पक्की।  एक अच्छी लड़की फेसबुक का ज्यादा इस्तेमाल ना करे नहीं तो लड़के उसकी फ़ोटो निकाल कर किसी पोर्न में लगा देंगे। अच्छी लड़कियों को किसी रेस्टुरेंट किसी मॉल किसी पार्क में बिना किसी घर वाले के नहीं जाना चाहिए दोस्तों के साथ भी नहीं।  एक मिनट दोस्त उसके कौन हो ये उसके घर वाले बताएंगे जबतक उसकी शादी नहीं होगी और उसके बाद उसका पति बताएगा। और इन सब में से अगर एक भी चीज़ छूटी तो लड़की "अच्छी"लड़की के क्राइटेरिया से बहार।  कुल मिलकर एक अच्छी लड़की वो है जिसको अपने विचार रखने का सोचने का या बोलने का कोई हक़ नहीं है।  वाह क्या डेफिनिशन है। बेहतरीन !!!

बहुत गर्व है मुझे कि मैं जाहिल हूँ।

(लड़कों आप स्वयं को बहुत खुशनसीब न समझे और ना ही बहुत दीन कि आपके दर्द को भी तो कोई समझे। जल्दी ही समाज के ठेकदारों द्वारा बनायीं अच्छे लड़कों कि परिभाषा को अगले अंक में पेश करने कि कोशिश करूंगी। तब तक इन अच्छे लोगों पर मेरी रिसर्च जारी है। प्रतिक्रियाओं का इंतज़ार रहेगा… )

WARNING

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Raat..

Jab kabhi mai udas hua karti thi mera sath bas mera kalam or ek diary hi diya krte the..par us roj sab kuch alag sa tha..mai puri tarah tut chuki thi.aj sawal sirf mera nahi tha mujhme ek main jo kho chuki thi use bhi dhoondh ke lana bahot jaruri ho gaya tha..warna shayad mai apni nazro me hi gir jaati..or itna gir jaati ke kabhie uth na paati,, na jaane kyu aj kalam ne mera sath dene se inkaar kar diya...

kya hua tha kaise likhti? shabdo ne jawab na diya....bas mai ek tasveer ke samne baith ke khud ko sametne ki koshish kar rahi thi...

kal tak jis shaks ke liye mai sab kuch thi...jo mujhe ek maa ke jaisi izzat deta tha, dost ke jaisa bharosa karta tha , bhai ke jaise jhagadta tha, or ek ardhangini ke jaise mujhe apne har sukh dukh ka bhaagedar banata tha...aaj kyu mu fer ke chala gya???

aj bhi yad hai mujhe wo subah jab ham bus stop par pehli bar mile the..tumne ek halke nile rang ki kameez pehni hui thi or meri nazar ja ke tumpar ruk gayi...kitna bachpana tha un aankho me...mujhe yaad aata hai tum roj aate the or mai bhi tumhari aankho ki chamak se har roj hi apne din ki shuruat krti thi...or ek din jab tum nahi aaye to mai kitni uljhan me thi ki kahin tume kuch ho to nahi gaya...mai tumme khud ko dhoondhti thi..

yuhi raah chalte kayi log milte hai par unme se kayi aise hote hai jo apki zindgi ko ek naye mukam par le jate hai..jab pehli baar tumnse baat hui to pata chala tum mujhse 8 saal chhote ho..or shayad yahi wajah thi ki mai tumme apne aks ko dekhti thi..

.ek roj tum meri paintings ki pradarshini me aaye or wahi se meri zindagi badal gayi....wo din jab tumne ek phool dekar mujhe kaha k mai apki tasveer ko bahut pasand krta hu or.....

apko bhi...

8 saal ka fasla or ye baat..ham or tum kabhie ek nahi ho skte the shayad ye samaj na hone deta..par mai aisa kaise soch skti thi...wo mujhse bahut chota tha...par mohabbat kya kabhie umr dekh kar aayi hai bhala???

mai kuch na keh paayi or muskura kar use apni baaki tasveere dikhane lagi...par na jaane kyu man me bahut dar tha na jaane kis baat ka; duniya ka ya use khone ka...

din yuhi beet te gaye or usne fir kabhi kuch na kaha shayad wo meri uljhan smajh gaya tha..umr me mujhse bahut kam tha par tajurbe me kahin aage, zindagi ke kayi imtehaan usne bakhoobi pas kiye the..

ek roj jab mai bahut bimar thi....wo mere ghar aaya, mai uth nahi paa rhi thi.usne mere liye coffee banayi or aake mere sirhaane pe baith kar mera matha sehlaane laga..ek wakt mai sehem gayi par ankhe khuli to samne wahi shaks tha jo us sheher me mera akela dost or humrahi tha..kamre me bahot sannata tha jab uski ek awaj ne ek lamhe me jindgi ke sare taar ched diye...

us kamjor lamhe me maine apni seemaaon ko tod diya or uske us sawal ka haan me jawab diya...mai hosh me thi ya shayad nahi thi...

samaj ki parwah kiye bina maine apne or uske beech ke sabhi faslo ko khtm kar diya...

rasoi me ek chammach girne ki awaz hui to mai hosh me aayi or khud ko samet kar waha se dusre kamre me chali gayi......

us kamjor lamhe me jo hua shayad nahi hona chahiye tha par us shaks ne us din ke baad har kadam pe mera sath diya..mai ye manne lagi thi har shaks ek sa nahi hota, duniya uski badaulat behtareen hoti gayi or mai apne sapno me khoti gayi,,

mai ye kaise bhul gayi ke ye to mere sapne hain jinhe tut ke bikharne ki adat hai..

aaj wo shaks achanak se mujhe kyu bhul gaya jo pichle 3 saal se mere liye apne hath par apni jaan liye ghumta tha...

pichle kayi din se uski gaaliyaan or wo thappad sirf is ummeed par seh rahi hu ke shayad ab shayad ab kuch to badlega...

par aaj mere upar itne ghinone ilzam lagane se pehle kabhi ek baar soch lete..

kya har baar rishte ko bachaane ki zimmedari meri hai????

rishto ko bachate hue mai khhud ko bhul gayi hu...

kal shayad tum bhi mujhe bhul jaao par jab tak mai jee rahi hu apne sath hi jeena hai,,use khud se alag kaise kar du??

kyuki itne ilzaamo or itne khubsoorat zakhmo ke baad ek din tum ye keh do ki mai tumhe nahi janta to koi nayi baat nahi hogi...

aaj ki raat mai is ummeed me soungi ki mai kal ki subah na dekhu.....

....

...

..

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The Solitude

To my rescue came none

In the deepest of night when darkness fenced me

The anguish and despair held me

Through the ways, assaulted my words and thoughts

I fought the desperation hard

And lost at the end

Fell apart broken and shattered

Blame not my destiny

May be its me

To the world I smile

But I know inside I die

The heart is getting blue

The darkness of helpless rage

Injecting pain to my nerves

Suffocation and fog of gloom

A chocked gutter my mind

Tired of repetition

A sea of blackness deep inside me

A mirage in the dessert of my desperation

Unable to comprehend

My crime

Endless spring times

My bruised and bleeding spirit

Like I died

and I died…

इश्वर जाएँ दरिद्र आयें.

har rat ki tarah ghar bahar ke tamaam kam nibta kar jb usdin bister par leti to yunhi na jane kyu kayi ajeeb tarah ke sawalo ne man mastishk ko gher liya. har roj na jaane kitne chehro ki kitni kahaniyo se rubaru hona padta hai. har chehre ke sath ek nayi kahani or har kahani ko likhne ka mera shauk..bas yahi sab sochte hue na jaane kab neend lag gayi..

achaanak mere sir ke paas jor jor se kuch awaje aane lagi. mai un dino lucknow aayi hui thi apni bua ji ke ghar. adhi rat gaye achanak aisi awaje jaise koi kisi ko peet raha ho. mai ander tak sehem gayi.thand ke din the or sannat me goonjti wo awaaze. mai yu to peshe se patrkar hu par dar to har insan ko lgta hai. maine sans khinch li or rajai taan li or kareeb adhe ghante tak bina hile dule sann mare padi rahi.. adhe ghante baad chuhe ki tarah us bil s muh nikala to bahar se kuch aurato ki awaj aa rhi thi.jaanne ki utsukta or dar ke bich dorahe pe kuch der khadi rahi. or aakhir mere patrkar man ne kaha ke mujhe jannna chahiye ye sab achanak se kya tha.

hawai chappal pairo me dal ke shawl leke jab mai bahar aayi to dekha ke rat ke sadhe 3 baje kuch aurte ghar ke aangan me puja kar rhi thi. anagan me ek badi si akrti bani thi jispe ek soop dhaka rakha tha or wahi par kuch ganne, singhare or shakarkand rakhe the. man me badi utsukta hui ke ye kya ho rha hai.jab tak me aage badhti ek ajeeb si awaaj peeche se mere kareeb ane lagi or kareeb or kareeb or mai to jaise putla ban gayi..ek to december ki thand uspe aisi khatarnak awaze..dar ke mare mere shareer ka khoon soookh gaya tha. maine aankhe band karli or bachpan se abtak jitne devi devtaao ko janti thi sab samne aane lage..na jane aj wo aurte shayad meri bali chadhane wali thi...

dheere dheere wo awaj mere bagal me thi or mai ulti ginti gin rhi thi..malum nahi shayd dar ke mare wo bhi galat gin rahi thi. or fir wo awaj mujhse kuch door jaake band ho gyi..ah!! meri jaan me jaan ayi lekn ye maut se pehle ka sannatta to nahi tha.....kaha fans gayi thi mai....

phir achanka se dhup batti ki khushbu jb naak me gayi to maine dheere se ek ankh khol ke dekha..wo aurte ishwar aaye daridr jaaye ishwar aaye daridr jaaye bar bar aisa kuch bol rahi thi.

mere samajh me to ek shabd nahi aa rha tha.jaise bachpan me ganit ke formule upar se jate the..tab ishare se ek aurat ne mujhe apni taraf bulaya..bas ab to meri khair nahi allah miya aap hi kuch kariye..bahut paapi hun lekin itni jaldi upar ka ticket mat katiye..or na jane kya kya..

mai dheere se aag badhi to usne mujhe ganna diya or bola ke ise chus ke yaha thuk do..ab ganna to zameen se uga tha par kya pata sb mujhe marne ke liye ek natak ho..lekin marti kya na krti mai wo ganna chusne lagi..

tb dusri aurat dheeme s boli ise देवोत्थान एकादशी kehte hai. isme ye soop peet peet ke ghar ke daridrta ko bhagaate hai or soye hue bhagwaan ko uthate hai.. ishwar aaye daridr jaaye aisa bolne se bhagwan ghar aate hai or daridrta door jati hai...is din chawal khane se pet me keede hote hai...har hindu ke ghar m hona chahiye warna bhagwan naraj ho jate hai..

khair jo bhi ho mai to khush thi ki mai bach gayi..wah re bhagwan ise kehte hai maut ke muh se bahar aana..in sab baato me kafi samay nikal gaya tha..agle roj mujhe mantralay jana tha to socha ke thoda sa aram kar liya jae kyuki itni der me 3 baar kidney me dil ka daura pad chuka tha..

wapas bistar pe late lete mai ye soch rhai thi ki kaise kaise tyohar hote hai bharat warsh me...maje ki baat to ye hai ki mai ek darpok patrkaar hu aaj sabit ho gaya,,lekin bade soch vichar ke baad mai is nateeje par pahuchi ki shayad kabhi kisi ne ulta mantr padh liya hoga ishwar jaaye daridra aaye...tabhi bharat me itni daridrta aa gyi hai.lekin fir bhi मेरा देश महान....

A life in RED . . .

A letter of a "yet another woman" anonymously I read few days back. It raises a question in many minds. Is it fine to involve with a girl physically after her marriage without her consent?  In that case her husband will be her rapist.Doing sex without consent is a violent act. It is a crime.

This heart whelming letter reads as follows:-

The room is occupied by loneliness all around. A sharp shrill of silence is making me unstable. I am sitting in front of this big beautifully carved mirror. It looks like that of one from the Mesopotamian civilization. With a big red round bindi on my forehead and the strong line of orange vermillion parting my long wavy cascading hair which is covering my assets as am not carrying even a trace of cloth on me. No I am not nude; I am sitting with my soul with no worldly pleasures. A dead silence of destruction in my kohl eyes. Beautiful I look in this red orange combination. This room too is painted in the same hue and its reflection on my skin is making my feel glamorous. Yes! I am a newlywed bride. I got married last month. It was a heavenly pleasure when for the first time saw me as a woman.

Being a woman gives a sense of solidity and satisfaction. But yes every coin has too sides.

This bruise on my right arm and the scratches on my back are my wedding gifts. I would have felt delighted to write that I had a beautiful night with my husband yesterday. A dream of every girl to be in his man’s arm; sensuous and secured at the same time. He crushed me last night. Scary was the last night when with his whole power he squeezed every bit of my body and soul. It would have been my consent If. ...

A pleasant feature of human need, it would have been If.....

A destination to my desire, it would have been If. ....

But I cannot complain. It is his right to come any time in any mood and show the man in him, irrespective to what I feel. This is happening from the very day of my marriage. Every night he breaks me into pieces and every morning I carry every single broken piece, assemble it and decorate it beautifully with red and orange. Last night it was for the thirtieth time. I have yet not seen his face. But he seems not to be my husband.

Girls are bestowed with a beautiful body. I feel so much graceful in front of this mirror. These bangles on the table would have been feeling so jealous to see me; I am even beautiful without them. Look at these anklets. These are made of diamonds but see I am more adorable. Here kept are the ear rings and that necklace too. These toe rings, bracelets, nose ring. Ornaments all around me. But I am more decorated in red and orange.

But yesterday it happened so, when he came closer to me drunk. Kissed me so hard (a kiss is a soft word to describe what he did) that the smell of his bad breathe went deep into me. to show the beast in him and took out a broken piece of glass and did what i never understand. I was faint and woke up a half an hour ago when i found blood coming out of me intensely. i am not able to bear anymore of this. There may be many strong ladies in the world but I am not. Red is my favorite color but my fondness is the reason of my end. I cant help myself, nor can any. I was as child playful with red, I am as bride decorated in red and I will die in red.

This Glass piece is yet lying here. And my letter will be last piece of my writing now.

I cannot bear any more. My soul now bleeds. My wounds are no more curable. they are red too.

I had a beautiful, lovely red life.. .

Akhiri sawal..

Baat us samay ki hai jab Hindustan or Pakistan batwaare ki maar jhel rhe tha ..har ore khoon kharaba maar peet or dange fasad the..log jaise ek dusre ke khoon ke pyase the..tabaahi ka sa manzar tha..aman or chain se rhne wale log aaj barbarta pe utar aye the…Mai us waqt apne abba ke sath lucknow me thi.…batware ki aag lucknow tak aa pahuchi thi.purane luck now me har ore dange or maar peet machi thi..chowk ki tang galiyaan us kattarta ki chashmadeed gawah thi..

Us waqt sabke gharo me bijli nahi hua karti thi.kuch oonche auhde dar log hi us fehrist me shamil the jinke gharo me bijli or telephone hua krte the..sham hote hi logo k gharo se choolhe ka dhuan uthne lagta tha..

Us roj halki fulki barish ho rahi thi.maine chhajje se jhak ke dekha to ramsha aapa chulha jala rhi thi…maine puchha ,” aapa! Aaj badi jaldi chulha jalane lagi..lagta hai aaj kuch laziz banane ja rhi ho..mai bhi aati hu.” Mai 6 saal ki thi par thi bahut baatooni. Mai daudti hui neeche pahuchi to anwar ne mera rasta rok liya or chillate hue bola,” ammi ye resham fir aa gyi hamari sewaiyaan khane,,,ammi ham sach kehte hai ise na  yaha se nikal do,ye warna ye hamari sari cheeje leke bhaag jaegi.””aise nahi bolte…aane de use anwar bachi hai”, aapa boli..mere or anwar ki umr me koi fark na tha…mai use dhakka deke andar bhag gayi,,dekha to saara kamraa ekdm naya sa lag rha tha. Diwan pe nai chadar or farsh par nayi kaaleen bichhi thi… mai bhagke ammi ke pass gayi or kaha ,”khala!! Ye kya hai..aaj to badi sajawat hai.hamare mulk fir ek ho gae kya,,haan tabhi to aaj badi raunak hai..aapa bhi bahut khush hai or siwayi ki khushbu aa rahi hai,,aaj to daawat hogi!!”

Bachpan me kaha maloom hota hai ki ek baar jb rishte tut jae to unhe dobara jodna bahut mushkil hota hai or jab wo judte to unme gaanth pad jaati hai.

Khala haskar boli “ tu to bas siwayi kha baaki kuch mat soch samjhi pagli”mujhe kya karna tha, mai khush thi wajah jo bhi ho. Deewar pe tangi ghadi 8 baja rhi thi maine man me socha, ab tak abbu nai aye..upar hamare ghar me chirag bhi na jala tha.. dheere dheere lakdi or lohe se bani us purani seedhi par chadhte hue mai ungliyo se siwaiya chaat rahi thi..

Us waqt kiwad kholi to ajeeb si awaj aayi..kamre me ekdm andhera tha maine diyasalayi se mombatti jalai or sochne lagi abba ne kuch khaya bhi na tha subah bahut jaldi me nikle the.dekha to ek lauki rakhi thi bas wahi uthake katne lagi,,akeli baithi thi to kuch dhundhli si yaado ke caarvaan aankho ke samne se jane lage.2 saal pehle ammi pata nahi kaha chali gayi.rashid bhai ke sath bazaar gayi thi or tbse mai unse nai mili..abbu kehte hai unhe allah ne kisi zaruri kaam ke liye bulaya hai..aisa kya kaam hai unhe jo meri hi ammi ko bulaya liya or wo bhi mujhe chod ke chali gayi..mai unse baat nahi karungi.par abba kyu na aaye abtak.

Uthkar dekha to almari par rakhe sare dibbe lagbhag khali the..bas thodi chane ki daal rakhi thi..maine dibba uthaya or apni choti mutthi se do bar dal nikal k eek pateele me rakhi or lauki dal ke choolhe pe chadha diya..bahar baarish ruk chuki thi..mai bas abbu ke intzar me baithi thi…kabhi bahar kabhi andar..man bahut bechain tha…neche kuch shor sa sunaii diya maine socha abbu aaye hoge bhag ke gayi to dekha k eek tanga se kuch log aye hai khala unka istekbal kar rahi hai…kareeb adhe ghante bad wo log chale gaye..ramsha aapa bahut khush thi or khala bhi baar bar unhe gale laga rhi thi…ye sab dekh ke  acha lag rha tha par meri ankhe to abba ki fikr me sukhti ja rahi thi..khala pass ke postmaster ke ghar dastrkhaan  sambhalti thi…dekha to postmaster sahib yaha se ek aadmi bhaaga chala aa rha tha…mujhe us wakt kuch bhi jaanne ki koi ichcha na thi…mujhe bas mere abba chaihiye the..

Mai chup chap pas rakhe modhe pe baith gayi..khayalo ke saagar me na jaane kaha jaa pahuchi thi ki khala ki awaz sunai di,” resham sahiba kahan gum ho? Salim bhai nahi dikh rahe?or ye kya dekh to patile me daal jaal gayi..hayi ri! Kya karu mai iska na jaane kaha khoyi rehti hai?”

Khala!!! Maine roondhe hue gale se kaha

“Abba nahi aaye abhitak” or fir unse lipat ke rone lagi

Khala ne mujhe pyar se chuma or boli,” na meri bachi rote nahi,,aajenge abbu kaam bahut hoga na aaj to der hogai..tu chal sath khana khale..teri appi ka nikah pakka kar diya hai,sewaiya khaegi na,chal mai deti hu,,haan meri bachi” mujhe to samjha diya unhone par unke mathe par chinta ki badi lakire saf dikh rahi thi…

Wo mujhe leke neeche aa gayi..mujhe anwar ke sath baitha ke ham dono ke liye khana lene chali gayi.anwar neend me tha so mujhse ladai karna to dur ki baat thi khana khaneke liye hi jaaga rehta kaafi tha…khala or appi haule haule kuch baat kar rahi thi..us admi ke bare me jo postmaster ke  yaha se aaya tha…kuch der baad bahar aayi to aankho me aansu bhare the..surmayi ankhe ansuo se lal ho gayi thi..wo kuch na boli

Lekin mai shayad samajh gayi thi…dewaar ghadi 11 baja rahi thi or wo ajeeb sa sannata mujhe bata raha tha k shayad ammi or bhai ki tarah ab abbu bhi nahi aane wale the..mai khamosh thi,,kuch niwale mu me dale or is ummeed me so gayi ke shayad jab meri aankh khule to abbu mere pas ho……

..

..

..

Chidiyo ki awaj kaan me padi to aankh khuli .kamre me koi na tha..bahar bhag ke gayi to sabkuch anjaana laga…wakai anjaana tha…ek bada daalaan or lamba chabutara or uske baad bade bade kamre.ye hamara ghar to na tha..mai pagal si idhar udhar bhagne lagi,,pair ke neeche ek akhbaar aaya jisme kuch likha tha,,mai padhna to nahi janti thi par usme abba ki tasveer thi,,,ek lash khoon me sani hui…

Ye tasveer aaj bhi meri is diary me rakhi hai..us roj un dangaaiyon se bachne ke liye  khala hame leke faizabad aa gayi thi or tabse ham yahi hai..aaj ham 24 baras ke ho gaye hai or teen din baad hamara nikaah hai..

Kya hua kaise hua nahi pata. par Shayad us din siyaasi khel me hamare abba bhi ek mohra ban gaye …………

To Papa

Dear Papa,

With utmost respect and due love to you.

I am 23 now and a daughter of 23 is quite grownup to get married and manage the responsibilities ably as followed by our clan since ages. You too have many dreams regarding my marriage. I've seen you running doors to doors just to find someone who can live up to your expectations and even mine when it comes to give your daughter to anybody else. Every Sunday I see your eyes peeping out of those thick glasses staring deep into the matrimonial pages of the newspaper. I see those lines of stress on your forehead when somebody rejects me and a tough look when I reject someone. I know your responsibilities.

I remember when you got transferred to a remote area of Bihar when I was too young and so my younger sister. It was a tough time when you safeguarded us in a area full of naxalites. When mummy used to make us sleep singing the song," papa jaldi aa jana". I remember the letter you wrote me titling "pyari gudia".

Time flied. But every time you stood there for me. May it be my first Board exams or any interview or even during my operation when you remain awaken all those five nights when I was in deep pain. First time I rode scooty, first time I traveled alone;every where.

You are the toughest and the strongest person I have seen. Many times you heard bad words because of my mistakes and even more times you got applauded in public when I say that behind my every step you are there.

But today things have changed. I feel I am grown up. At times I feel taking my decisions independently.I know it hurts you when I disagree to your points and argue.

Papa! I may go wrong at times, I may not show my love and attention to you, I may argue you sometimes may be because of the thoughts’ difference among us. You are always right I know and I always follow the path you show me. If sometimes I go against you, its not because I don’t think you are right. Its only because I think that even I am not wrong.

At a point of time if I take a decision without your consent unknown to the fact where it would lead me, I only wish you to stand for me as it could be a first independent decision which may wrong me. But with your blessings nothing can harm.

I am at my learning phase now, it may be a kind of trial and error, I can and I will do many mistakes but with your support I can easily cross all the hurdles. I am learning with your experiences and adore you to the core. No matter where I go in life you will always remain the first and the best man of my life.

The distance of respect and shyness between us may not letting me say these words directly to you, yet these are directly from heart aimed at you. I'll never let you down.If I go wrong;It may be the circumstances that would force me. There I only request you to understand me.

I feel so light after writing this to you.

Papa! I love you and I will always do..

“Happy Father’s Day”

Your daughter

Yet another Woman!!!

Don’t know why I came in front of the mirror and started counting the remaining black hair on my head..Haha few years back I used to count the grey ones. Time flies!

Those were the starting lines written in the chapter 65 of her diary. A diary of daily records in which she has given the account of her long experience with life. 70 years long! A record of many ups and downs of a woman’s life. Some chapters of which gave the depiction of a life of a little girl, some at the age of puberty while some others were like an experience shared by a single girl.. An auto biography of any common girl.

Her name was laali. Laali specifies the red color, basically that of vermillion or of heena in Indian tradition. And she was actually a lover of red color. When I met her for the first time she wore red colored 4 yards long cloth which is usually called saree. Heighted 5’7 with long dark cascading hair adding to her beauty. A square jawed fair face, beautiful red lips and gracefully applied kumkum on the forehead; she gave the absolute look of any Indian deity. She was only 23 but forced by circumstances stepped into this world of fraud, sex, and money. From last 12 years she is been working in the red light area of that city. I, astonished by her beauty and broad mindedness kept quite for a while. Then don’t know what was thrilling me from inside I asked her,” what forced you to enter this cheap world? When you want to earn your livelihood honestly, there are many more options. So why this?”

She gave me a light smile and asked me to come with her to her village. I did not at all like it! Unwillingly I joined her. Through the rough and tough ways I went to her place. I entered a kuccha house with filthy walls and broken roof. She offered me  a glass of water. “ It was when my father died 13 years ago. I was the eldest of all my siblings. We were 5 sisters and 3 brothers. I being the eldest had the responsibility  to nurture them. Maa had lost herself emotionally and eventually went into deep depression. Daddy had a good bank balance but relatives had their eagle eyes on it. I was growing young. One day a relative of mine came to me and allured for a nice job that could give me a good bank balance, ownership over dad’s property and well nourishment to my youngers. “ She was telling her story while she kept the coffee pan on fire.

“ The room was very small but smelling sweet. I felt with joy to know that I have to work in such a lovly place. After exact 7 minutes a man entered in that room, locked the door from inside. Till then I was unable to understand what the next moment has kept in for me. He raped me thrice that night. In the morning when I took hold of myself and tried to understand whatever happened; a woman came and gave me 5000 rupees in my hand. Things started changing for me from then. “

“Here’s your coffee “, said she handling me the cup. “ I was a commodity which was then transferred from city to city on the name of my mother’s treatment and my siblings’ upbringing” I was quite. Had nothing to question.
“ In last 12 years I am raped 1200 times, it was when for the first time I died mentally. We prostitutes do not have mental peace cause we die daily. No one enters here willingly. Every one is forced by circumstances. I lost my family. I lost my self. Not only me, every girl here have lost herself. But people blame us. Why? When they are not satisfied in their bedrooms they come to us. When they need pleasures they come to us. Then why to blame us? No job is cheap or gud.. we do it for our livelihood. We were never wrong not even today, it is this society which is not letting us live peacefully”

Today I am standing at her cremation. She died! Yes laali died! She died of aids. Men came to her bed and gave her the poison of unwanted love.. it was two days before she was counting her grey hair!!!

….and thus a beautiful journey became an ugly experience..

"TRUE STORY"

Greenery and yellow mustard fields on both sides of the road. Bright sunny day, super cool relaxing wind and we five friends in an auto on the way to the historical Chunar fort. Chunar one can corelate if remember the famous novel Chandrakanta..

Kisi din banungi mai raja ki rani…the recorder in the auto played and many other beautiful tracks of 90s. I busy in sight scenes took my phone out of my bag and messaged, “good morning love, and miss u so much”. It was 11:12 A.M. by my watch. If someone is out on such a long drive to a picnic spot kind of place then as taught by our romantic hindi movies; we are forced to miss our beloved. We were three girls Reeva, Meghna and I and two boys Rishi and Aditya and definitely the auto wala bhaiya in that typical breed of auto and gypsy. We sang, we laughed and cracked jokes on one another. There is always a funny conversation when people are in the combination of law and journalism. Off course the pillars of Indian democracy.

“I miss you too”. Beeped my phone.

I passed a light smile and typed ‘we are going to a distant place from the city, it would be fun plus we’ll do a story there,” and deleted whole text and simply wrote,” I love you”. And again got busy in cracking poor jokes. All those who know me closer, know it too that I’m very bad at jokes but still I try. You know its like try until you succeed. Hahhaa

It was my phone that beeped again. I saw the text that read,”love you too sweets”.

Deep into my romantic thoughts I was lost in the scenic beauty of the roadside. A complete portrayal of Indian roads, villages by the side. Reeva and I being journalism student find something weird in every thing and three of them being law students introspect everything. Deadly combination. Laughing weirdly, waving hands to every passersby and discussing several sensible and non sensible things we came to realize that the road has ended. We got down of that three tired typical mixed breed auto. A narrow lane with bushes on both the sides. Walking down that lane we were talking of all those typical bollywood movies that talk of treasure hunt and other such things. Indian culture is widely derived from bollywood I must say. I have a worm of photography; so took out my shutter gun (Nikon). As much as I remember we have typically moved 50 steps and then whatever I saw stunned me.

A huge beautiful castle on the top of a hill and by the side of glorious river Ganga which looked like sea. Far away there were lovely forests, up and down steeply hills and the oxbow turn of river added to the beauty of the place. A place far away from all kinds of pollution. Silent, quite and full of nature. A low bridge made on drums joined the two banks. My camera has fallen in love with the place by the time and my eyes were trying to look as much as they can. I didn’t want to miss even a single second. It was a place so beautiful to be a tourist destination, a perfect place to shoot. We were really amazed to see those dolphins jumping out to inhale and those pigeons flying low down the river. I can see the reflection on the water surface. Amazing!

“You guys are living here for three years and still u never been to this place ever?” I asked Aditya.

He laughed. All of us were mesmerized by the beauty. The bridge shook every time some heavy vehicle passes through. Holding each other’s hand we were crossing that “peepa pul” (drum bridge). I was certainly lost in two things one is off course what and how to click and other is definitely my love and his romantic thoughts. Sand that to too warm, we reached the other side. Filled with joy and enthusiasm to explore new places we kept moving. Unknown to the fact that what the next moment has in store for us. I was clicking and clicking. Blue, green, white, yellow, brown; so many colors with so many shades. Nature has poured its color bottles here.

We climbed few steps. Temples and small shops of general things, p.c.o. , stony sloppy narrow lane leading to the fort at a height. We found a shortcut to reach there. It was through rocks. We got down to go up. High stones but not higher than our passion to go there. I, a crazy photographer was shooting bushes, branches, cob web, donkeys, stones and every single thing. Aditya and Rishi got up first to check for the suitable way, then climbed Reeva and off course me “ the crazy photographer”. Meghna was still in dilemma to climb up or not.

“C’mon!!! Dar kay aagay jeet hai, climb it up . Don’t be a spoil sport.” Shouted I.

I gave my sun glasses to Aditya and my camera to click a pic of mine..even I need to show my presence. Somehow meghna managed to climb up. Now we were at three levels. Highest were Aditya, Reeva and Rishi .. I was down to them and Meghna at the lowest… I held her hand at pulled her at my place..

We were giving titanic poses all alone. Nobody was a Kate Winslate or Leonardo De caprio..

We were the real us. Completely drowned in our joy and laughter.

 “ there is no any way to go above, we shall move down.” Shouted Aditya from a height.. mind being engaged in capturing moments, I threw my bag and sandles and cautiously came down… it was a lovely panorama. Rocks on both sides. Prickly pear blooming with yellow flowers and blue river flowing calmly.

Clicks, clicks and lots of clicks

Suddenly heard a noise, some shouts when I turned back. Few localites were running fiercely up towards Aditya and  Rishi. By the time we tried to understand things, they punched our friends to bleed.  Meghna rush down in fear, got hurt. Reeva when tried to stop them was pushed forcefully. Somehow she managed to balance herself on that rock. I ran to help. I shouted screamed but nobody came to help. I ran to local priest and some boatmen. By the time those boys have beaten our friends so much. Aditya got his spectacles broken. Rishi was pushed badly. They held them with collar and threw on the land. Abused us like hell and threaten us to cut into pieces. I tried to stop them, they were beating Rishi with legs. He was bleeding badly. They defended themselves but all in vain. Till then some boatmen came to our rescue but those demons were not ready to listen anything. Meghna started crying in fear. I was not able to understand what’s happening. I was asking every next person to tell what’s happening. some people then help us separate from them.  now Aditya and Rishi were ready to fight. Some how we stopped them cause our priority was to leave the place safely. I requested the boatmen to help us move out of that place. Four men escorted us back to the bridge. They were bleeding heavily. My hanky was all colored red. They washed their faces in river and then we moved back quietly.. we just moved and moved. I turned back and saw the fort which was so beautiful a half an hour ago. I was in a complete shock. Aditya and Rishi were still trying to make the situation lighter but no one can do in such a moment.

Everyone was terrified to the core. Unlike all girls I find it too difficult to cry.. a half kilometers away from there we sat down to have some medicine and tea. No medical shop was there.. they took tea. I and Reeva were damn quite. Eventually she broke into tears.

I was still quite when my phone again beeped. The text read, “ what’s going on? Are you okay?”

“Yes I’ am but missing you so much”.

And with my eyes full of tears, those unable to roll down, I smiled..

We again hired a mixed breed auto cum gypsy and went back…

Inside a Ladies' coach

Watch was tickling 1:55 of the afternoon when suddenly I came to realize that I was sitting in a ladies coach that too so silent and quite. Train was moving in its speed, the only noise I can hear was that of atmosphere and a child crying of hunger to which the mother was pampering. It was difficult for me t swallow the matter of fact

 at the point of time that a railway compartment full of ladies and only ladies was moving so quietly. One of the wonders of world I felt.

 The train named Begumpura express which I boarded while returning from the city of temples to the city of nawabs. Morning in Benaras and evening in Lucknow, both on the same day. Journeying more than 300 kms in a general coach of The Great Indian Railways in temperature measuring 45 degrees can be considered as a tough one.

 “how mean you are? How dare you put Ganga maiyaa on the floor” heard I suddenly when was feeling proud on the empowerment of ladies and their psychological growth. I was amongst those few unfortunates who traveled 6 hours without getting a place to sit even once. I turned back. Five ladies belonging to some typical “thakur” clan. Sorry for being involving into caste-ism but telling a true point that ladies are always ladies. Coming back; five women v/s one, wo oh what a cat fight or shall I say cow fight, but cows are shy as people say. Whatever.

 “tera pati- mera pati, tera baccha- mera baccha, sari, kapda makan” Oh God what was left they were not fighting for. The fight was started for a place to sit. The root was that so many of them were standing but “she” was sitting and also captured a place with a normal plastic coldrink bottle in which she kept the sacre “gangajal”. She was of the opinion that “ganga maiya k zameen par kaise rakh sakte hain”.

 Fight grew and within a minute or two she held the braid of a lady and slapped her. With all local abuses, all those “G” and “C” words I saw this rare scene for the first time in my life. How can one stop when somebody is being so much furious? The other lady held her bun tight and pushed her backwards. Oh My God I was seeing the live action in that over crowded, sweat smelling coach very next to me.

 Sometimes you need to stop your villainous laughter when situations are getting out of control. God forbade if somebody comes to me and hold my hair like this I would better cut my pony from the hairband and runaway. Finally someone pulled the chain and called the police. A man with supercool “veerappan” mousataches and popping out belly came and tried to hear both the sides. There was chaos all over the bogie. It was the same one whose proud member I was some fifteen minutes back. Train stood there for nearabout half an hour while the healthy “khata peeta police wala” was trying to resolve. A lady constable came ahead then and told him the exact situation.

 Miss Constable was there in the bogie while the whole action was going on and like me she too was worried of her hair that was not more than the shoulder length. Beautiful was the situation when two pillars of democracy; the executives and the press were watching the democrats fighting down for their land but can’t help as they have got to save their own collars.

 When the fourth pillar press was gathering the whole news to take the lead and was planning how to make it a sensation, the executive (madam police) came forward and said,” ye aurat hai na yahi jada pange dikha rahi hai, khud ke baithne ki jagah nahi ganga maiyya ko seat pe baitha rahi hai”

Incredible India, I whispered.

rishtey.....

Ishq yahi kuch do akshar ka shabd par mayne har ik shaks ke liye alag .

.

Mai aksar sham ko tehlte hue public library jaya karti thi. Bachpan se hi kitabe padhne ka bahut shauk tha mujhe.Kausani me meri naukri thi yahi kuch subah 9 se dopeher 2 baje tak ki, ek primary school me angreji ki adhyapika ki ek chhoti si naukri. Pahari ilaka hone ki wajah se andhera jaldi ghirne lagta tha.ghar me kam na tha or rat ka khana to hostel ki mess me milta tha to har roj 4:30 baje mai library me hoti thi or padhte likhte jane kab waqt beet jata tha. Jab 9 bje library band hone ka waqt ata to hi mai ghar jane ke bare me sochti thi.. Us library me ek janab ate the. Kala coat pehne har roj sham ko sabse kinare wali kursi par baithe dikhayi dete the.har roj sham 5 baje unka ana lagbhag tai tha. Pehnave se wakil lagte the, ankho pe mote glass ka chashma or dhyan kitab pe..umr hogi kuch 28-30 saal

Wahi pe thik 6:15 baje ek adher umr ki aurat ati thi.logo se suna tha ki wo talakshuda hai. Dekhne me ek aam Hindustani aurat jiska sara jivan apne pati or bacho ki seva me guzar gaya ho…kya wajah hogi uske jeevansathi se algaav ki..insaani rishto ki koi thah nahi.

.Kitna Ikhtiyar Tha Us Ko Apni Chahat Pay,,, “””Jab Chaha Yaad Kiya Jab Chaha Bhula Diya,,, “””Janta Tha Woh Muj Ko Behlany Ka Har Andaaz,,, “””Jab Chaha Hansa Diya Jab Chaha Rula Diya,,, “””Dil Bhi Us Ka Tha Pyar Bhi Us Ka Tha,,, “””Jab Chaha Mera Naam Likha Jab Chaha Mita Diya.

  Dono ki kafi jaan pehchan lagti thi. Wakil sahib har roj kuch likha krte the na jane kya or madam use padh ke kuch yun khilkhilati thi mano koi naya fikra har roj mil raha ho padhne ko..Wo har roj ek chote se tifin me kuch laati thi wakil sahib k liye. Fir baton me dono ko duniya ki koi sudh nahi rehti thi..na wakt ka khayal na logo ki fikar.kayi bar log ajeeb tarah ki baate kiya karte the.Aisa lagta tha mano wahi kuch lamhe hai jo unke chehro pe muskaan de jaate hai ankhe to mano har wakt ye sawal karti thi 

Khamosh fiza thi kahin SAYA b nhi tha, Is shehr me HMSA koi aya b nhi tha, Kis jurm me CHhENI gai hm se hansi, Hm ne to kisi ka DIL dukhaya b nhi tha. 

Ek roj kuch bacho ne zid ki k madam hme Milton ki ek kavita ko dobara padha dijiye. Maine unhe sham 5 baje ka wqt diya or us din library jane ke bajaye bacho ko padhane wahi apne kamre par ruk gai..6 baje tak kafi baadal ghir aaye the to maine bacho ko ghar bhej diya..or kuch hi der bad bhayankar baarish hone lagi. Ajeeb sa toofani bawandar tha mano kuch badal rha ho. Andhera bhi ghir aya tha hawao ki sansanhat or pero ki pattiyon se takrane ki awaj ek darawna ehsas kara rhi thi…baarish ki awaj charo or goonj rhi thi…ajeeb si raat thi..sannata cheerti jheenguron ki awaj pure mahaul ko or bhi khaufnak bana rahi thi…

Der rat ho gai thi lekin aankho me neend na thi…dheere se uth kar maine laltern me batti jalai or mej par rakh kar socha ke kuch padhu..na jaane kab aankh lag gaiSubah jab chidiyo ke chehkne ki awaj sunai di to ankh khuli fir mej par se sab samet kar mai apne rojmarra ke kaam pe lag gai.sham ko apne wakt pe library  pahuchi…lekin aaj kuch ajeeb tha

5 se paune 6 ho gai the lekin wakil sahib ka koi pata nahi tha..mujhe lga 6:15 tak madam ke sath aege ..par na madam ayi or na wo janab.isi tarah kai din beet gaye..tab ekdin apni utsukta to shant karne ke liye maine librarian se pucha to uske pass bhi mere sawalo ka koi jawab nai mila..Kayi din beet gaye or mai primary school ki teacher se ek oonche auhde par promote kar di gayi…sabkuch bahut hi behtar tha…har roj jile ke rasookhdar logon se milna hua krta tha

Ek din aisi hi ek meeting me mujhe kausani se kuch 23 km dur ek kasbe me jane ka mauka mila. Ek drishtibaadhit skool me jana tha waha par bacho ke liye naya skool banwane ke liye kuch dastaawezo ki jaanch karni thi.

Skool ki principal kuch jani pehchani si lagi..dimag par bahut zor diya lekin kuch yaad nahi aa rha tha..baato baato me kitabo ka zikr utha to yad aaya ke ye wahi madam thi jo roj library me aya karti thi..unki hasi jo suni kitaabo ko jaan de jati thi…aj itni boodhi lag rahi thi chehre pe jhurriyon ka jhurmut baal safed ankhe umeed se khali..wo zindagi ko apni sharto pe jeene wali aaj nirasha ke andhero me kahin gumsum si lag rhi thi …hazaro sawal bijli ki tarah kaundh gae.

Na jaane achanak mai kyu puch baithi ki aapke sath jo wakil sahib aate the wo kaha hai ajkal?? Aplog us barsat ki rat ke bad dikhayi nahi diye..Unhone is tarah mujhe dekha mano maine unki dukti nabz par hath rakh diya ho…aankhe chhalak padi or wo boli

“wo the to mere wakil par maine apni zindagi ke kuch tanha lamhe unke sath guzare..umr me wo mujhse kafi chote the par rishto ki samajh mujhse jada rakhte the..us roj baarish me jab patto par se dhool ki parte utar rahi thi tab hamne bhi apne kayi raaz sajha kiye..malum hua unhe bhi zindgi ki kayi uljhano ka samna karna pada par wo ghabrae nahi..mere or unke anaam rishte ko duniya ne kayi ilzam diye par har mod par mere sathi or mere sarthi ban kar khade rahe”

Kamre me sannata tha jaise mano waha rakhi hare k chij unki kahani sun rahi ho or un chalakti aankho ko lachari se dekh rhi ho.. isse pehle ki mai kuch aage puch pati us sannate ko cheerti hui awaj jisne mujhe hila kar rakh diya

“unhe cancer ne hara diya….mai janti thi  or wo !!!

Itna hi sath tha hamara..samjh nahi aata ke us wakt mai samaj ki taano se chhuti thi ya ek behad khoobsurat anaam rishte se”